New glasses/physical therapy/counseling day.. DAY 97
Oct 16, 2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3YlKvowM9A

this is my story and welcome to it
[Music]
good morning welcome to Monday oh I'm so
happy that we were in another week
another new week I could not wait for it
just switch to Monday I always feel like
mondays are a great day because it's a
fresh start to a new week and many
things can happen in a week worth of
time but it's almost like mondays are
like a like a restart button like oh hey
I made it to Monday again this is either
gonna be a good week
hard week but I can kind of make it how
I want to make it and that's kind of
where I'm at right now
and you know as I shared yesterday you
know this last week was a rougher week
for me and I don't even want to say that
it was the rougher week it was just a
rougher weekend and you know I'm so
happy that I've got counseling today
I've got a lot to talk about with my
counselor a lot to talk to her about and
that's why I think - I love my my
Mondays because it's like even though it
is also that fresh start but it's also
that great beginning none of that
I've got too much to do today Ferb me to
be yawning already Anna 9:45 a.m. but
it's just you know I love Mondays
mondays are a great date but anyways I
have a lot to do today I was gonna
cancel my physical therapy but I called
them and they're like you know arthas
are our regulations too you know
counseling and I'm just like I'm like
well here's the thing it was the weekend
how was I supposed to call and cancel
for a Monday morning uh play ball not
Monday morning but a Monday afternoon
appointment she's like well you know you
technically you could have called and
you know just cancelled over the phone
with voice Mona Mike does it make a
difference
you're not gonna get it anyways into
Monday but it just seemed like it was
gonna be too much of a hassle so I just
said or mine I'll keep the appointment
so that means I have counseling this
morning
and I have my eye exam at this afternoon
and then I have physical therapy this
ieave mean so I'm okay I just don't want
my need to start messing up more because
for any reason whatsoever it is not
bothering me too bad I mean it has its
moments but it doesn't hurt me like all
the time
so I don't want it to just start up now
because I'm in physical therapy so sorry
you guys forgot I was you know recording
that's a tomato um so anyway so I have
all that going on today
I took or oli took my to school and then
I am taking myself to counseling and
then I think I'm gonna come home and
pick up Omar Ali and they'll take me to
my eye exam but I don't know because
they don't know if he feels like telling
what the kids cuz it's at Costco so
we'll see I'm just
why my car was something weird so we'll
see but my goal right now is I need to
get to my therapy appointment I am stuck
behind buses of course I've got 10
minutes to get there nobody in their
life is going to let me in I know they
won't uh-huh anyways yeah so I just
wanted to check in with you guys and let
you all know I hope you're having a
wonderful start to yours this morning I
will check in with you guys in a little
bit
I am anybody gonna let me over okay
well supposedly this is not work thank
you anyways where was I going with that
oh I'm gonna charge my phone up while I
go into therapy so I'll check in with
you guys as soon as I get out of therapy
and that y'all know how that went and
what we end up talking about because we
have a lot to talk about so I'm sure I
will have lots to talk to you guys about
so anyways I will check in with you guys
when I get home okay oh hush it I don't
don't go horn at me okay you guys
so clearly just got out of the
counseling and it was an amazing session
as always we touch base on a lot of
things but one of the things that we
talked about because I have brought it
up a couple different times is about me
just feeling emotionally drained and
when I say that I feel emotionally
drained I I just feel tired because I
guess I I have a tendency to think that
I always have to be strong I don't want
to dare put my problems on other people
talk about my problems with others
because I don't want to cause problems
for others that are already dealing with
issues and but it with that also causes
me to sometimes be tired because I can
only
you know I can only be strong for so
long before I just you know I just want
to check out and not not be there
physically or whatever and so anyways
today we talked about how
I need to learn to trust the process of
friendship and people in general you
know I have a tendency to shy away from
creating friendships because I don't
know if I can emotionally be there a
hundred percent because you know I'm I'm
tired you know and so in return because
of that I shy away from having
relationships outside of my marriage
basically because I don't know if I can
show up a hundred percent but trusting
the process of knowing that it's okay to
not always be a hundred percent that
it's okay to talk to a safe person about
you know not always being the
happy-go-lucky ami that I plant you know
to always be because you know again I
don't want to cause problems I don't
want to make anybody sad because of my
problems and
you know all of those things that those
who play play big parts in relationships
in general and so for me it's just like
no I have to I have to be my authentic
self I have to be a me I can't always be
this person that shows up to the party
with my dance shoes on and be like
there's nothing ever wrong with me
because that obviously is not true I'm a
human just like everybody else and we
all have our you know our days where you
know we want to kick our dancing shoes
off and just sit on the couch or you
know not dance that day at the party I'm
just using an example so anyways it was
a really good session there's a lot more
to it I'll touch base more I'm just I'm
heading home right now to pick up Ollie
and the kids and go to my eye
appointment so anyways I will check in
with you guys
a little bit later I don't know exactly
what all going to happen with my eye
exam fight hopefully we will figure out
what's going on with my eyes and see
about getting new glasses so anyways I
will talk to you guys so we're sitting
here it's 12 o'clock we got here a
little bit early to Costco to go and get
my eyes checked so we shall see what
they're gonna do I hope they don't have
to dilate my eyes that's the part I hate
the worst is when they have to dilate my
eyes because then I clearly can't see
nothing but we shall see if they do but
we are just a little bit early so not
really for sure what we're gonna do but
I think we're gonna go in and walk
around for a little bit and then go from
there so
anyways um if I can I will vlog when I'm
in there
but I'll see cuz I don't know how they
are like sometimes places are really
strict about you pulling out your phone
and stuff so although you would think it
would be kind of like they would get
used to it because so many people do the
like youtube type things so I don't know
I just wanted to get out honestly I
really just go to sleep and I don't want
to go to this stupid appointment for my
therapy my physical therapy I am NOT
looking forward to it at all at all
hopefully they will be nice to me and we
can just get in and get out that's what
I'm hoping for but I doubt that that's
how it's gonna be I'm sure that I will
have some like working out BS that I
have to do but I'm not like actually my
stomach actually hurting me a little bit
so I don't know anyways but I'll check
him in a little bit in much snow and icy
was awesome I love their sweet here was
another set that I was planning to do
but
I really in my famous ones social
difference
hey you guys so I am just getting back
from my um physical therapy appointment
and that was quite interesting to say
the least I really liked it actually I
didn't think I was gonna care for it I
thought that I would really dread it but
it was actually really nice my therapist
was extremely nice and she's really
concerned about the my legs that there's
discomfort the circumference difference
between my right leg and my left leg my
left leg the measurements around my knee
are 55 inches on my right knee there are
77 inches she's like in all of the time
that she has done any type of therapy
work on anybody ah please um she has
never seen that significant amount of
difference in measurement and so I was
just like really and so we talked a lot
about because of that bulge in the back
of my leg and she asked you know did you
have the ultrasound I was like yes and
according to them they can't find
anything so I guess she's gonna go ahead
and put in for a MRI because she said
that she really thinks that there's
something going on she really has a
funny feeling if it's nothing then
there's a lot of swelling in there and
she's like and there's a reason why your
knee must be swelling so I don't know
but anyways now we are sitting here
together me and Maya to do schoolwork
while homework he had some homework that
he needed to finish so we're working on
math homework um takes me back to the
good old days pulling out numbers out of
my hat but um he's a smart cookie so it
doesn't take him very long to do it so
we're just sitting here working on that
and that's it I'm not really doing a
whole lot I did it I I don't know if
I've checked in with you guys since I
got my glasses done but I did show you
guys the glasses I chose and I'm really
excited that he said they should be back
within a week so that will be nice to
have glasses that are actually working
what's wrong what's wrong my won't let
you see honey listen he's doing his
homework okay we have to let him work on
his homework he wants to get it done so
he can have the rest of day off and your
man bun is pretty messy give me a kiss
give me get me some bullsháá
give me a we do it anyways so we're just
sitting here chilling in the bedroom all
Maya's doing that and baby brother is
having to bother big brother and are we
just gonna go crazy
[Music]
so anyways well I will check in with you
guys in a little bit I'm just gonna
finish up this homework duty with
Jeremiah so you can get done and then we
we can go watch some TV together as a
family for a little bit and spend some
damn time together together right yeah
all right I'll check in with you guys in
a little bit hey you guys welcome to
Monday evening this has been a wonderful
long successful productive day
went to counseling obviously this
morning and then from counseling I went
to UM anyway so went from counseling I'm
gonna do a mask well we're talking I
need to do one
[Music]
[Music]
anyways okay I have it applied and now
it will just sit there while we are
talking um anyways so today was a really
good day it was a productive day it was
everything and more that I needed to
have this day be and I'd agree session
with my counselor you know one of the
things that we talked about was just
that you know sometimes I
I don't like dropping my problems on
people I don't like it I don't like
people have to worry about it
I don't want you know enough people are
stressing about their own problems they
don't need to worry about mine but with
that I always want to be everybody's
protector that I love you know I want to
take away their pains their hurts their
sorrows their frustrations their you
know aggravations I want to take all of
that away and if I can carry everybody's
problems and make it make it be okay for
them then I will do that because that's
just the person I am and but at the same
time I also I get physically burnt you
know and I have to finally be like oh
you know I think amy has reached her
point where I'm pretty tapped you know I
I love everybody and stuff but it's okay
for me to not take on everybody's
problems and so that's what we talked
about today sorry I was cleaning my nose
that got underneath them
that's what we talked about today was
just that it's okay to not be okay it's
okay to not always have to be there for
everybody emotionally and physically and
verbally you know it's okay to be that
friend but you don't have to be the
friend that always takes everybody's
problems on like it's just you're never
gonna be that friend you can't
physically you will eventually you will
have to let things go and you'll have to
to let off some of that because you will
burn out so as I really you know sad I
thought about it as I really thought
about it I was just like you know that's
true though that I I have to protect
also my own self being of who I am and
where I want to be and you know this
week well not this week but this last
couple of days you know to be honest
I've been struggling with my diet not
diet but just struggling in general with
my eating because again I have a binge
deceit or disorder and I don't blame
that because it's my choice to you know
fall into that but last night I was
going to bed and you know I had already
had dinner and everything was good and
gone and you know the family was going
to say well everybody was asleep all he
went to bed and you know this was really
hard to talk about because one I know my
husband watches this video he watches
this channel so now he's gonna be
knowing that this is something I'm
struggling with and I don't talk to him
about it because it's not that he's not
gonna understand or that he'd get mad or
anything like that cuz he never would
you know he knows that I struggle on
days you know I just I I flat struggle
but last night when he went to bed I sat
there and you know my mind was just
racing a million time
a million miles a minute and all I could
do to like numb out was I wouldn't got
chocolate chips my kids had opened the
bag earlier in the day and I knew where
they were so I went and I got my water
and my chocolate chips and i sat there
I didn't even eat very many I only ate a
few but it was the point that I even got
up to go and do that and it's not
self-sabotaging
it's not you know oh I'm letting my subs
down you know because that's not what
I'm meaning to do I don't mean to let
people down I don't want to have that
you know that repetition that you know I
am a failure or that you know I'm fake
or I'm a liar or oh here we go again
it's another one of those youtubers that
claims to you know want to lose weight
and here she is she's she's falling off
too and you know she's just gonna go
down like the rest of them and I don't
want that reputation I don't want it I
don't want to I don't want to be that
youtuber that lets people down I don't
want to be that youtuber that people
don't take serious because this is such
a serious thing in this serious matter
that I'm going through this is what I'm
this is what I am literally emotionally
going through and you know I did
something on Facebook yesterday and it
just rings so serious and I'm gonna try
important it off really cuz I can't read
it online because I'm I'm online so I'm
using my camera so I'm gonna read you
something that I had posted on Facebook
hmm kind of printed weird so what it
says
sure sure I can cuz I heard over it
multiple times
you know that's just my biggest thing
though is that's my biggest fears that I
don't want you guys to look at me as
like another YouTube joke because I
would never ever in my heart
ever want that I don't I struggle every
day every day I struggle and I tell
myself every single day Amy you're gonna
do this you're gonna you're gonna do
this you're gonna make it maybe it's not
gonna happen today maybe it's not gonna
happen tomorrow but you're gonna keep on
and you're gonna keep doing it even if
you lose a pound two pounds one pound
gained a pound you're still what matters
is that you're still working on yourself
and you're still doing it and that's
what I want so this is what I posted on
Facebook I said oh it says you know that
feeling when you're just waiting waiting
to get home into your room close the
door fall into bed
and just let everything out that you
kept in all day that filling of both
relief and desperation
nothing is wrong but nothing is right
and you're tired you're tired of
everything tired of nothing and you just
want someone to be there and tell you
that it's okay but no one is going to be
there and you know you have to be strong
you yourself are going to have to be
strong because no one can fix you but
you are tired of waiting you you're
tired of having to be the one to fix
yourself and everyone else you're tired
of being strong and there
and for once you just want it to be easy
you want it to be simple to be helped to
be saved but you know you won't be but
you're still hoping and you still are
wishing and you're still saying strong
and fighting with tears in your eyes
you're still fighting that means so much
to me I think because those words mean
so much to me right now
because like it says in here you're
still wishing you're still hoping I am
still wishing and hoping that people see
that I'm still here that I'm still
fighting this I want to make a better
life for myself I want to be that
healthier Amy I want my life back I want
to be able to walk
and proceed in life and travel and do
all the things in life that I have
always been my dream but last night it
really hit me that I'm still really
struggling with numbing out and not me
not with my drug which is food doesn't
matter what food it is it's just
whatever I can use to numb I didn't eat
very much like I said I didn't he very
much I had I did have control because I
did stop but it's the sense that I binge
took to numb out to not feel the
pressure not to fill the not to have to
think for that two seconds that I was
eating those chocolate chips I was able
to just think about the chocolate chips
how they tasted how they how they melted
and that took my mind off of all the
other things that I'm dealing with in
life
and you know today I was reading your
guys's comments because I had posted up
you know I talked about last yesterday
about you know should I go down to one
video a day should I earn one day video
day my god one to two or maybe even
three videos a week instead of seven and
most all of you guys are commenting back
and now I'm getting private messages
please don't stop your vlogs you know I
enjoy them I love them you know this is
this is what I do you know at the end of
the day I sit and watch you because you
know you bring so much light into my day
and you know your encouragement and that
means so much to me because for me I
don't see it I just sometimes feel like
maybe I'm a bother
maybe I'm just a problem and one of us
one of the subs here pink prozac you
know who you are she says when you think
that nobody is there
remember all of us and that truly hit a
nod on the knell I was like wow I never
thought about having 592 people that
actually sit here and listen to me
and I've never even thought of it like
that so here I'm thinking I have nobody
but I have 592 people listening to me
what do I mean I don't have anybody and
you guys are the most amazing people and
you give me the most amazing feedback
yeah maybe it's feedback you know that's
a little different but it's still
feedback so what do I mean I don't have
people I have the most amazing people
and it just meant so much to me reading
that that yeah you're right I do maybe I
don't feel like I do but now I do now
that it was shown out to me I do I
really feel like oh wow that's true I do
have a lot of people that care because
if you guys didn't care you wouldn't
come back if people didn't care they
wouldn't sub to the channel to want to
follow and I think that even gave me
another aspect of thought of okay you
know why you're right not only do I have
this people coming to me to listen to me
but they want to see me succeed I can do
this I can do this I'm going to do this
I'm going to succeed in losing weight
when I want to binge I'm gonna pull my
camera out and I'm gonna start vlogging
vlog my frustration vlog when I'm
wanting to binge vlog when I want to do
a checkout talk about it with you guys
share with you guys let you know in my
circle of what I'm dealing with
it's a whore you guys it's a war but
it's a war that I can win I can win and
I will win and so there is gonna be some
definite changes on our channel in the
sense of how I'm gonna be vlogging um
we're getting dry already for a pill um
but I think there's gonna be a lot of
spontaneous vlogging in the sense that
when I think I want a binge I'm gonna
come to you guys when I think I want to
fail out and do something that's clearly
not going to help me succeed in this
process I'm gonna talk to you guys
because you guys are here for me you're
not an enemy
you're not going to attack me although
I've been used to all my life people
attacking telling me what I'm what I
need to do better of but never a
congratulations Amy good job you're
doing an amazing job it's always well
you know yeah that's great I'm glad but
I could always do better and no I can't
do better I'm doing just what I need to
do and there's gonna be days where I
binge there's gonna be days where I want
to check out and I do check out this is
life this is me this is my process this
is what I have to go through doesn't
mean because I'm gonna check out and I'm
gonna binge out that I'm gonna go back
and gain my 61 plus pounds that I've
lost no no doesn't work that way
but what I am gonna do is I'm gonna be
honest with you guys and I'm gonna start
really sharing and showing you guys the
struggle of a binge eater a true true
than Jeter not somebody that uses the
word binge eater to get away with eating
food because they want to eat it no
that's not how binge eating works binge
eating is a much different aspect binge
eating is really it's a whole course of
checking out because that's what makes
you feel good at that moment I don't
binge on fast food I don't binge on it's
weird but I binge on certain different
things not saying that someone does
binge on fast food that they're wrong or
that they're not in the right category
of binge eat and I'm not saying that
it's not my job to judge that but and
I'm not smiling you guys because I have
this on and it kind of I feel like a fat
suit Lloyd um but anyways that's just
you know you probably can't even take me
serious right now okay I'm trying to be
serious I'm about to go
muscular soo-dong but it's just you guys
please understand where I'm coming from
and like I said I'm going to become more
truthful with you guys and share with
you every aspect because every aspect of
this is there's there's good days bad
days there's beautiful days and there's
some very very ugly days and I need to
be honest and show you guys everything
um I don't want to shine light on
negativity though but I definitely want
to show you guys my days that I that I
deal with so anyways
what else what else what else oh I was
gonna talk about something I am gonna
let my little ones tear this off because
Omar had the funnest time taking this
off my face the other day when I died it
was like um anyways tomorrow is pretty
slow day for me I don't think I really
have anything I'll I don't have nothing
planned tomorrow
something Marcus leeeeee shows up on my
calendar then I will let you guys know
so from talking with you guys I am NOT
going to end my daily vlogs I will keep
them going so don't worry about that I
thank you so much for everybody being
honest with me and telling me how you
guys honestly feel letting me know that
this isn't just a pure waste of time
basically and that you guys really enjoy
seeing this whole journey play out I
give you guys my word that I am doing my
ultimate best that I can and then I'm
going to push forward through this and
I'm not gonna stop I did have physical
therapy today and my knee is whoa RT me
really bad really bad so I'm gonna
actually put some ice on it tonight
before bed and see if that will help
probably pop me a ibuprofen or Tylenol
something because she said it probably
would hurt a little bit but oh I'm gonna
try and get this to where it size down
so I can post this this is what I read
to you guys tonight
it's like clearly not going to show you
guys but I'm gonna try and cut it in
half and see if I can't paste it somehow
so that you guys can read it too and
yeah you guys are amazing I absolutely
adore coming and talking to you guys I
love again every aspect of you guys I
love this channel I love that we're
growing you know we have a step back
sometimes and then we get another boost
up and I just ask that everybody
continues with this facing I just hope
that I just hope I just ask that you
guys continue to share the videos please
share the videos like and comment on the
videos and also let's pass this out so
we can get more subs to sub to it let's
get this channel growing let's get it
out there let's meet some of these
amazing people there's so many amazing
people already here and let's just
continue to let it grow I think it's an
amazing aspect and I would just love to
see people join here and get the
positiveness out as much as we can
because I think that that's what we
promote I had a yawn and guess what I
couldn't even yawn but anyways yeah so
that is my my daily thoughts for the day
I will check in with you guys tomorrow
at some point I'm not sure like I said
exactly what the plan is but I don't
know why I'm yawning anyways I will
check in with you guys first thing when
I start moving around and getting stuff
going until then please don't dream
about this because this is no sweet
dream but please have some sweet dreams
tonight I'll check in with you tomorrow
the pie
